The Cross (minus) His Love (equals) Yeah, So?

I recently heard a sermon about the Cross of Christ. Good outline. Good scriptures. Good points. Very intense and thought-provoking. But I found myself sitting there the whole time, waiting. Waiting. Waiting for something that never came. In the end, I couldn’t avoid the conclusion that it was lacking. Void of true power. To motivate. To impart change. To spark passion. To kindle love. 

You see, the preacher mentioned the word “love” five times, at most. And that’s all it was - a mention. He quickly moved on. The message was full of strong statements about the sacrifice of Jesus and what He suffered for us and how we are responsible and obligated to live for Him in return. 

I couldn’t help but feel saddened, and disappointed...and it got me thinking. I truly believe that if we don’t realize and understand the reason WHY Jesus became a curse for us, it doesn’t really change us that much. At least not with a lasting change. If we are only stirred to change our habits and actions and outward appearance, and not drawn into a heart-to-heart, a deep love relationship with Jesus, I believe that we are missing the point. I know from experience that merely learning about the Bible and understanding doctrine does not help in a real way. There is no comparison between that and a real encounter with God’s Spirit and His love, in which hearts become ALIVE and are deeply HEALED and EMPOWERED. 

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

(John 15:13) 

Getting a glimpse of His desire for us is what brings us into a committed lifestyle. It is the realization of His passion and holy jealousy for each one of us, individually. His love, deeply rooted in our hearts, and returned in a day-to-day heart-to-heart intimacy is what empowers us to know Him and glorify Him on this earth.

Your steadfast love has captured my heart, 

Breaking through the years of my shame. 

You’ve quickly become the Lover of my soul, 

And I tell you it will always be the same. 

For I have set my heart toward You, O Lord, 

As I dwell in Your courts forevermore. 

Others call my name, and beckon me to come. 

Oh but I, I have eyes for only You. 

I will always have eyes for only You. 

(Eyes For Only You by Misty Edwards)

Soon I will be adding a post all about this Love, that has been on my heart for weeks now... I hope you come back to read that, it will sort of be Part 2 to this.

Always Winter, Never Christmas

In C.S. Lewis’s “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” the fawn Tumnus tells the daughter of Eve Lucy that Narnia has long been under a curse, where it is always winter and never Christmas. This, he explains, is the result of the evil White Which who is filled to overflowing with selfishness, hunger for power, hate and deceit.

Winter is a beautiful and magical time of the year. But we see it reflected in Lucy’s reaction to this dreadful news, that a never ending winter void of celebration and fun and gifts and joy --- is a depressing life. All of a sudden the only thing visible is the absence of Christmas. By making Christmas impossible, the White Witch was essentially distorting and destroying the beauty of winter. Her evil heart and intentions affected the entire kingdom, leaving each Narnian with a feeling of despair and loneliness.

The White Witch in this story represents Satan. As the enemy of our Maker and of our souls, he would have us believe that there is no warmth in the winter.

That there is no joy in suffering.

That there is no love in discipline.

That there is no honor in humility.

That there is no sweetness in submission.

That there is no restoration in repentance.

That there is no happiness in holiness.

That there is no satisfaction in righteousness.

Always winter, never Christmas.

Actually, he would prefer to have us live in a world where these illusions were real. Since that desire is impossible for him to fulfill, he is forced to settle for deceiving us into believing this is the case, and therefore making it the reality for our lives. However. This is not the truth. This is not the world that we live in.

Why? ASLAN returned to the scene. Yes, enter Jesus. He defeats death. Sin. The enemy. Every scheme and strategy that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. He removes everything that would hinder Love. He makes the crooked paths straight. He turns mourning into dancing. He makes beauty from ashes. He turns weeping into laughing. He makes all things new.

These are not mere words that I recite in an attempt sound poetic. These are not simply thoughts that sound good and so, I’m going with them. These are undeniable realities in my life and the lives of so many that I know (I will gladly elaborate with anyone who wants to hear). And it is based on this personal experience that I challenge you with this:

Refuse to live any longer in a world where it is always winter, never Christmas. Taste, and see, that the Lord is good. That His law is perfect and His ways are just. To believe and receive these truths is not automatic and is not easy. (Can you think of anything truly satisfying and lasting that is?)

No doubt, deception and darkness are all around. Things are not as they seem. I am becoming more and more convinced that everything, and I mean everything, is more complicated than I thought it was. But there are real answers to be found, for our bold questions. I encourage you to resist settling - in any form or fashion - for always winter, never Christmas.

Empowered

Ready for the understatement of the day? This campus will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

Sitting here now, watching the sun set in glowing colors and listening to the sounds of the fountain, the leaves are rustling in the soft wind and my heart is bursting with gratitude and reminiscent feelings. A deep breath in, rushes a flood of emotions and memories that I hold most dear. I find it hard to hold back tears.

Day after day, night after night, who I am and what I believe has been shaped and challenged in this place. Through core meetings with blindfolds and mirrors and dresses, classes with lively debates and discussions, chapel services with dangerous prayers and the powerful word of God going forth to my heart, not returning void. Through events with paintball guns and interactive movies, fasting and prayer, mud and sweat, worn running shoes and burning calves. Through quiet times that ranged from mountaintop beauty to valley despair. 

Oh, God! You are so Good. Divine. Providential. Loving. Faithful. Teaching. Guarding.

Countless times, I have experienced You here. Encountered Your heart. Heard Your voice. Obeyed Your commands. Tasted Your rewards. Neglected Your wisdom. Unwisely and Unsuccessfully avoided Your discipline. Seen Your hand. Trusted Your ways. Loved Your presence.

If only I could put this feeling in a bottle. This beating of my heart into an automatic rhythm. This smell into a candle. This painting perfectly into my mind’s eye. The wonder of this place into my pocket, to carry with me always.

Here, I have learned valuable lessons that I sometimes forget or take for granted. I learned to persevere. I learned to love in actions and truth. I learned to work hard and long - and for my Master, rather than men. I learned to lead. I learned to trust. I learned to humble myself, unafraid of admitting my shortcomings. I learned to truly believe in and rely on grace. I learned to cease striving. I learned to speak, the value of my voice and my words. I learned to be okay with not being liked. I learned to confront sin out of a zealousness for a holy Bride. I learned to deny myself sleep for the sake of another’s soul. I learned to deny myself comforts for the sake of another’s heart. I learned to serve and love without expectation of receiving in return. I learned to rest in the truth of who I am, letting go of insecurities and lies plaguing my identity. I learned to trust the Lord for the victory, knowing my own strength is insufficient. I learned to believe I am loved and desired, surrendering in unending battles of worth and acceptance.

Simply by pausing on this bench, thinking back over all of these things, pondering the culmination of every life-changing experience I have had on this campus -- I am empowered to be this woman. A woman of God. I am no longer a girl. I am no longer unsure and unsteady. I am no longer confused and searching for my role. I am no longer longing for man’s approval and desperately wondering if I will ever be good enough. I am no longer afraid to open my mouth and speak truth to those who want to hear it, and those who don’t. I am no longer lonely and empty, He has satisfied me with His promise to never abandon me. You see, above all else, this place is beautiful simply because the Lord has walked by my side, holding my hand, guiding me, singing and dancing over me, building a reservoir of memories of us. Our relationship. Our love. Our adventure. 

It’s only just begun.

What We Crave

I feel like I am on the edge
of a fresh spring.
dying of thirst.

I see it. I smell it. It is in reach, even.
but my arm won't move.
my legs won't budge.

No matter how much I believe,
no matter how much I stretch.

I want water.
for me. for my dying family.
we thirst.

I know the solution.
but we can't get close enough to drink.
I am stuck.

Oregon vs. Washington

This is the title I have given a battle I've found among my daydreams.
Surfaced a few months ago, it has recently developed and visited my thoughts more frequently.

Part of me wants to settle down in a remote house, hidden among glorious mountains and trees, completely content with my sweet and manly husband (whom, by the way, I have not met yet). I would enjoy being totally consumed with providing a strong and gentle enviornment for our children - a gorgeous and comfortable home, abundant with yummy nourishments and sweets, smothered in welcoming and nostalgic smells gracing every room. As much as possible, we would live at a leisurely pace...soccer games here and maybe ballet performances there. Life is about us, comfort, fun, and a quality homestlye education. Enjoying each other and a life of relative ease...

...This is what I call Oregon.


Washington, D.C., on the other hand...

...is a full and ambitious life dedicated to making a difference in the world. Less sleep, less baking...more reading, more studying. I would enjoy being driven to take action, to make the most of every day as it pertains to impacting/improving the world on the largest scale possible. Long and longer hours at work, continual mind-stretching and idea-shattering, difficult conversation and decision after difficult conversation and decision. Potential scrutiny and persecution from family, friends, the public, and media perhaps. This life would be filled with a different kind of joy. The kind that is accompanied by aching muscles, tired eyes and a satisfying sense of accomplishment.

Which life shall I choose in the end? I believe I'm created for, and prefer, the latter.
I do.
(Well, at least most of the time. Oh, Jesus, help my unbelief please.)

Hmmm, here's a thought. Maybe Oregon versus Washington is a decision that must be made every day. If that is the case, these days I'm moving more towards Joe Bellinger (figuratively speaking).

Eclipse

Nice  Glad To Meet You

That was...hmph. Beautiful? Interesting? Shocking? Glorious? Unforgettable? Helping a stranger was not the reason for the uniqueness of last night’s experience. Rather, what it allowed me to see, smell, hear. Feel.

I rode for miles after dropping her off, in silence. Too much awe in the air for music. I mean, wow, did that just happen?

“I don’t mean to intrude or eavesdrop, but can I drive you home? I’m sober and ready to get out of here anyway.” Leaving my lone seat in the corner of this loud bar was an easy and natural thing for me. No matter that I was approaching a sobbing stranger possessing the potential to give me the “Rude and crazy, much?” look.

“You are an angel, Janell. You really are. I believe it. I believe that.” She made me agree before I would watch her close the door of my SUV and walk toward the small house she shares with her boyfriend.

The past forty-five minutes had been filled with cry after cry of desperation. On the way to my car she stopped dead in her tracks, sobbing too hard to continue putting one foot in front of the other. I waited patiently at her side, shivering. As we began the drive toward her house in Kirkwood, she told me her desire for a home. Her desire for friends or family that would provide an escape from the distant boyfriend who had just left on the side of the road. 

“If he cared about me at all, he wouldn’t have left me like that. Right? And why hasn’t he called? He doesn’t care about me at all! He doesn’t care if I am safe, or on my way home. He doesn’t care about me at all.”

Wiping her face in the red sweater from my back seat, she freely shared her deepest and darkest secrets - a shocking moment of infidelity, a deserted marriage, leaving her alone with a loud and piercing regret. In as much detail as a drunk woman can manage, she described  to me the aching and agony suffocating her. 

When was the last time I saw someone like her? On the outside, nothing short of gorgeous. All put together, enviable to many on numerous levels. On the inside, oh so broken. Bleeding, hurting, in despair, aching and lonely. So broken, so broken. Who knows? This may be the case of every other person I have encountered today. But, I wouldn’t know.  The people I know best and love most may be just like Jen, and thanks to a common disdain of vulnerability and soul-bearing honesty, I am unaware.

When was the last time Jen was honest with herself, or another soul, like that? In all its pain and ick...it was beauty.  Because it was real. She was real. Yes, she was drunk. But overflowing with absolute candor. I imagine she has most likely been living in a dream, where her life is okay, although not perfect. A dream in which she masks her pain, forgets her deep desires, and pseudo-fills her ever-present emptiness. She needs much more than a dream. She needs love. hope. redemption. truth. yes, love. She needs reality.

I want to be whole. healthy. alive. full and overflowing. With a heart beating to help others. to love, guide, assist, counsel. Meeting this beautiful woman stirred a strong desire in me to offer real, deep, meaningful help to hurting hearts. If she hadn’t been slurring and snotting, I would have been delighted to pour out my own in hopes that maybe through my simple words of comfort and truth, and my love, a lasting difference would be made.