on a chilly spring afternoon

I see green grass
some yellow
outside my open window all
all drinking up

I hear rain drops
they fall fast
sweet music for the birds and we
we sing along

I smell the cold
crisp and clear
every deep breath brings me to life
life that I love

Love.

"And oh! Oh how He loves. How He loves us, oh."

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Imagine a strong love, stronger than death. A love that even the greatest flood cannot quench. A love that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from! Not even death can take us from it.

According to God's Word (Romans 8:38-39), this is the love that God has for me -- and all believers. If I believe this -- why can I so often and easily be persuaded (even if it is just a feeling) that my mistakes, my sins, my shortcomings, my compromise, could sway His love...could cause His love for me to wane even the slightest bit...?!

Surely it cannot. Surely, He has loved me with an [everlasting] love. 

Does this mean that I feel less of a need or urgency to live righteously? -- Because He will love me no matter what?  Absolutely not. Rather, I have found that...

To see the Fathers love for me is 
: to be made alive, 
: to be awakened deep on the inside, 
: to be filled to overflowing with a roaring and unstoppable passion and power to be who I am created to be ---- living a life that pleases my Maker, my Husband, my Love.

His love for us is incomparable to our love for Him, and to our love for each other. It is His steadfast love that never fades. It is completely independent and indirect to our love for Him and our ability to make Him happy, to obey Him. He loves us immensely and unconditionally. Because of Who. He. Is. Not because of what we have done. But because of who He has declared us to be - His beloved sons and daughters.

This love is not meant to be known in mere words. Oh no, that is a great shame. If only intellectually understood, if only preached about on Sunday, if only [part] of the story, I believe we are missing it all together. His love is something to know! 
To encounter! 
To be experienced. 
To feel. 
To think of and enjoy every day of our lives. 
To find immense pleasure and satisfaction in. 
To be addicted to. 
To rejoice in.
To rest in. 
To live for. 
To die for.

His love heals deep wounds. 
His love binds up the broken hearted. 

His love saves us from eternal condemnation and death that we rightly deserve. 
His love breaks the chains of sin and darkness that entangle us and make us slaves to death. 

His love shines light into and frees the mind plagued with thoughts of unworthiness and self-hatred.
His love comforts & affirms the heart heavily burdened with feelings of despair & depression. 

His love shatters insecurities rooted in the (seemingly convincing) lie that: one is unwanted, unacceptable, un-enjoyed, forsaken. 

His love is ALIVE. It is not merely words written in a book. Or part of the doctrine we believe. 

It is real. It is real. It has real power. It has real power. 

It is obvious as we look around this hungry and hurting world, that not all know His love. And sometimes I don’t live with it in mind. It is not automatically perceived as reality. It’s power is not automatically realized. Why do we miss it? Why don’t we have it? Why aren’t we changed by it? Why aren’t we unavoidably encouraged by His affections for us? --- We must believe it. We must have faith. We have to accept His love, with humility; knowing full well that we are unworthy. Only then is it seen, heard, felt, exposed, and able to envelope our hearts.

Obviously, there is more to believing it and accepting it than reciting the words - “I believe it. I accept it.” Positioning oneself to know this love includes humility, surrender, confession of shortcoming and the need for grace. Revelation of His love continues to deepen as we seek His face, as time goes on, and as hindrances to seeing His love are lovingly removed. 

Could this love be forgotten? Could it be neglected? Could it be minimized and quickly overlooked? Absolutely. Unfortunately, it is every single day. The more important question - SHOULD IT BE? Never!

His Redeeming Love. Oh how much it means to me! Oh how it has transformed me! How precious it is to me...

His love is unexplainable. There are no words to describe the deep and spiritual joy that has overflowed in my heart at the revelation of His Love for me. It cannot be relayed to you from me, or a preacher, or any friend --- it must be experienced first hand for you to understand fully. 

Is there a more beautiful thing in the universe? Than pure love? I contend that there is not. It is increasingly rarely found...as well as greatly misunderstood and misrepresented! Love has become something that you give when you get. In most expressions of love today, it is dependent on the recipient, fluctuates in strength, and usually winds up being temporary. It is also greatly distorted and perverted. To many love = lust.  The unrelenting onslaught of sexualization today attempts to serve as a satisfactory substitute for what we were created to long for (His Love!). When we are honest, we know it fails every time. Maybe not right away...but soon enough.

He is jealous for us. With a holy and jealous love that He is entitled to have. It is a love and a jealousy that is rooted in deep affection and care for our hearts. To say He wants the best for us, seems like such an understatement. His passion for you and me is unparalleled, and unstoppable. 

Beloved, you are loved today! My prayer for you is Paul’s in Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

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The conclusion of all this? JESUS IS BEAUTIFUL.

A Short Story.

Have you ever been to San Francisco?? I spent a weekend there in 2007. 

I had many once-in-a-lifetime experiences, including being interviewed on national television! Woo!

But the most memorable moment had to do with...green tape, a LOT of green tape.

I wrote about it on my old blog (about 3,000 words!)

Read The Story Here

Here is an excerpt:

Give HIM everything you have today.  Step out and obey HIM in complete submission, no matter what measure of denial of self it requires.  It doesn’t matter how insignificant or mundane or ridiculous it seems to you.  As a follower of CHRIST, you must be radically obedient.  Be desperate for your Shepherd’s leading in your every day life.  

Yearn, ache, scream--for more of HIM.  Always be listening, waiting, expecting HIM to meet you and remind you of HIS commands to you…of HIS faithfulness to you…and HIS incredible, unimaginable, plan for your life.  A plan that will stretch you past your limits so you must rely on HIM. A plan in which HIS HOLY SPIRIT is constantly purging every sin so you are continually formed you into the image of CHRIST.  A plan in which HE will give you more and more wisdom, more knowledge and revelation of HIM and HIS Glory.  A plan in which your heart will be stirred to 

unadulterated worship, pure adoration, and unyielding devotion. 

The Cross (minus) His Love (equals) Yeah, So?

I recently heard a sermon about the Cross of Christ. Good outline. Good scriptures. Good points. Very intense and thought-provoking. But I found myself sitting there the whole time, waiting. Waiting. Waiting for something that never came. In the end, I couldn’t avoid the conclusion that it was lacking. Void of true power. To motivate. To impart change. To spark passion. To kindle love. 

You see, the preacher mentioned the word “love” five times, at most. And that’s all it was - a mention. He quickly moved on. The message was full of strong statements about the sacrifice of Jesus and what He suffered for us and how we are responsible and obligated to live for Him in return. 

I couldn’t help but feel saddened, and disappointed...and it got me thinking. I truly believe that if we don’t realize and understand the reason WHY Jesus became a curse for us, it doesn’t really change us that much. At least not with a lasting change. If we are only stirred to change our habits and actions and outward appearance, and not drawn into a heart-to-heart, a deep love relationship with Jesus, I believe that we are missing the point. I know from experience that merely learning about the Bible and understanding doctrine does not help in a real way. There is no comparison between that and a real encounter with God’s Spirit and His love, in which hearts become ALIVE and are deeply HEALED and EMPOWERED. 

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends."

(John 15:13) 

Getting a glimpse of His desire for us is what brings us into a committed lifestyle. It is the realization of His passion and holy jealousy for each one of us, individually. His love, deeply rooted in our hearts, and returned in a day-to-day heart-to-heart intimacy is what empowers us to know Him and glorify Him on this earth.

Your steadfast love has captured my heart, 

Breaking through the years of my shame. 

You’ve quickly become the Lover of my soul, 

And I tell you it will always be the same. 

For I have set my heart toward You, O Lord, 

As I dwell in Your courts forevermore. 

Others call my name, and beckon me to come. 

Oh but I, I have eyes for only You. 

I will always have eyes for only You. 

(Eyes For Only You by Misty Edwards)

Soon I will be adding a post all about this Love, that has been on my heart for weeks now... I hope you come back to read that, it will sort of be Part 2 to this.

Always Winter, Never Christmas

In C.S. Lewis’s “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe” the fawn Tumnus tells the daughter of Eve Lucy that Narnia has long been under a curse, where it is always winter and never Christmas. This, he explains, is the result of the evil White Which who is filled to overflowing with selfishness, hunger for power, hate and deceit.

Winter is a beautiful and magical time of the year. But we see it reflected in Lucy’s reaction to this dreadful news, that a never ending winter void of celebration and fun and gifts and joy --- is a depressing life. All of a sudden the only thing visible is the absence of Christmas. By making Christmas impossible, the White Witch was essentially distorting and destroying the beauty of winter. Her evil heart and intentions affected the entire kingdom, leaving each Narnian with a feeling of despair and loneliness.

The White Witch in this story represents Satan. As the enemy of our Maker and of our souls, he would have us believe that there is no warmth in the winter.

That there is no joy in suffering.

That there is no love in discipline.

That there is no honor in humility.

That there is no sweetness in submission.

That there is no restoration in repentance.

That there is no happiness in holiness.

That there is no satisfaction in righteousness.

Always winter, never Christmas.

Actually, he would prefer to have us live in a world where these illusions were real. Since that desire is impossible for him to fulfill, he is forced to settle for deceiving us into believing this is the case, and therefore making it the reality for our lives. However. This is not the truth. This is not the world that we live in.

Why? ASLAN returned to the scene. Yes, enter Jesus. He defeats death. Sin. The enemy. Every scheme and strategy that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. He removes everything that would hinder Love. He makes the crooked paths straight. He turns mourning into dancing. He makes beauty from ashes. He turns weeping into laughing. He makes all things new.

These are not mere words that I recite in an attempt sound poetic. These are not simply thoughts that sound good and so, I’m going with them. These are undeniable realities in my life and the lives of so many that I know (I will gladly elaborate with anyone who wants to hear). And it is based on this personal experience that I challenge you with this:

Refuse to live any longer in a world where it is always winter, never Christmas. Taste, and see, that the Lord is good. That His law is perfect and His ways are just. To believe and receive these truths is not automatic and is not easy. (Can you think of anything truly satisfying and lasting that is?)

No doubt, deception and darkness are all around. Things are not as they seem. I am becoming more and more convinced that everything, and I mean everything, is more complicated than I thought it was. But there are real answers to be found, for our bold questions. I encourage you to resist settling - in any form or fashion - for always winter, never Christmas.

Empowered

Ready for the understatement of the day? This campus will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

Sitting here now, watching the sun set in glowing colors and listening to the sounds of the fountain, the leaves are rustling in the soft wind and my heart is bursting with gratitude and reminiscent feelings. A deep breath in, rushes a flood of emotions and memories that I hold most dear. I find it hard to hold back tears.

Day after day, night after night, who I am and what I believe has been shaped and challenged in this place. Through core meetings with blindfolds and mirrors and dresses, classes with lively debates and discussions, chapel services with dangerous prayers and the powerful word of God going forth to my heart, not returning void. Through events with paintball guns and interactive movies, fasting and prayer, mud and sweat, worn running shoes and burning calves. Through quiet times that ranged from mountaintop beauty to valley despair. 

Oh, God! You are so Good. Divine. Providential. Loving. Faithful. Teaching. Guarding.

Countless times, I have experienced You here. Encountered Your heart. Heard Your voice. Obeyed Your commands. Tasted Your rewards. Neglected Your wisdom. Unwisely and Unsuccessfully avoided Your discipline. Seen Your hand. Trusted Your ways. Loved Your presence.

If only I could put this feeling in a bottle. This beating of my heart into an automatic rhythm. This smell into a candle. This painting perfectly into my mind’s eye. The wonder of this place into my pocket, to carry with me always.

Here, I have learned valuable lessons that I sometimes forget or take for granted. I learned to persevere. I learned to love in actions and truth. I learned to work hard and long - and for my Master, rather than men. I learned to lead. I learned to trust. I learned to humble myself, unafraid of admitting my shortcomings. I learned to truly believe in and rely on grace. I learned to cease striving. I learned to speak, the value of my voice and my words. I learned to be okay with not being liked. I learned to confront sin out of a zealousness for a holy Bride. I learned to deny myself sleep for the sake of another’s soul. I learned to deny myself comforts for the sake of another’s heart. I learned to serve and love without expectation of receiving in return. I learned to rest in the truth of who I am, letting go of insecurities and lies plaguing my identity. I learned to trust the Lord for the victory, knowing my own strength is insufficient. I learned to believe I am loved and desired, surrendering in unending battles of worth and acceptance.

Simply by pausing on this bench, thinking back over all of these things, pondering the culmination of every life-changing experience I have had on this campus -- I am empowered to be this woman. A woman of God. I am no longer a girl. I am no longer unsure and unsteady. I am no longer confused and searching for my role. I am no longer longing for man’s approval and desperately wondering if I will ever be good enough. I am no longer afraid to open my mouth and speak truth to those who want to hear it, and those who don’t. I am no longer lonely and empty, He has satisfied me with His promise to never abandon me. You see, above all else, this place is beautiful simply because the Lord has walked by my side, holding my hand, guiding me, singing and dancing over me, building a reservoir of memories of us. Our relationship. Our love. Our adventure. 

It’s only just begun.

What We Crave

I feel like I am on the edge
of a fresh spring.
dying of thirst.

I see it. I smell it. It is in reach, even.
but my arm won't move.
my legs won't budge.

No matter how much I believe,
no matter how much I stretch.

I want water.
for me. for my dying family.
we thirst.

I know the solution.
but we can't get close enough to drink.
I am stuck.